It’s been about three days after Max’s death. Arissa’s managing Max’s wake and burial, while I’m here trying to help Nathan. Mij suggested that we bring him to a psychiatrist, but I know that’ll just make things worse. Nathan usually ignores me, but it’s like he wants to tell me something… I wonder what it is. I want to tell him something too, but… I don’t think I’ll be able to tell him, ever. I’m just going to make a fool out of myself if I tell him… What does it matter? I was always a fool, an idiot, a moron, a dimwit… There’s an infinite amount of words I can use to describe how fucking stupid I am. Sometimes, I just want to kill myself so I can end all this crap, but I know that I can’t leave Bianca or Nathan here to suffer. They both need me. Well, maybe not Bianca. Blake’s there for her. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually trust him.
“Hey….” Nathan mumbles.
“What’s up?” I ask, worriedly. This is the first time he’s spoken for days. He’d usually just throw a tantrum and scream like a little kid. I on the other hand, restrain him, as if I was his mother.
“Thanks.” He says and lowers his head.
“It’s nothing really.” I reply.
“Why are you….” He pauses for a while. He looks like he’s going to regret saying the next few words. I wait patiently for him to continue his sentence.
“Why are you so kind to me? You’re too kind, it’s ridiculous.”
“I’m just helping you, someone who needs help. And as your best friend, I’m here for you.”
“…” He doesn’t answer. He just turns around and sits down in the corner of the room.
“.. I don’t believe that.” He says.
“You aren’t the sort of person who’s this kind to everyone.” He continues and turns around to face me.
“...You know me well, don’t you?” I say, unable to look at him.
“So… Why are you being kind to me?”He asks.
“CAN’T YOU TAKE A HINT?! OR ARE YOU THIS DENSE!?” I shout. I turn around. I try to hide the fact that tears were slowly coming out of my eyes. I regret saying that. I’m such an idiot.
And it hits me. I feel like such a fool for only realizing this now.
“...I’m such an idiot.” I say.
“Dumbass, I’m supposed to say that.” She answers.
She wasn’t facing me, but I know she’s crying. I promised myself that I’d never hurt her again, but I hurt her without even realizing it.
“The o-only reason why I broke up with you w-was because… because my grades were going downhill and my parents, especially my dad, forced me to be in America with him so I could focus more on my studies. I just thought it was best to do that so I can get high grades and then I was thinking that we could be together again. I never really thought that you’d fall in love with Max…”
“So why… Why the hell did you support me and Max so much?! You could have stopped that! You, you didn’t have to act happy and shit.”
“What else could I have done?! Max is my best friend, and judging from the look of your face, you looked much, much happier with her compared to when you’re with me. I thought that it was better that way. And I’m not wrong, am I?”
“That’s true…But, you could have said something.”
“And what good would that do!? You can’t make everyone happy, Nathan.”
“…” What else could I say? She’s right.
“I still love you, Nathan. But, I guess that was for the better, wasn’t it? You met someone you knew you could love for the rest of your life.”
“…Nikki told me that you had already forgotten about me and that you couldn’t care less about me. She told me that a girl as amazing as you wouldn’t even have time for a dimwit like me.”
“Nikki and I had a fight before I left for America, of course she’d say that. I had always stayed in contact with Jamie; she told me everything that was happening. I didn’t know Nikki could go that far just to ruin my already fucked up life.”
“I don’t think you should put the blame on her.”
“Who else is there to blame? I was away; you and Max didn’t know anything. But Nikki wanted to ruin my life. Of course it’s her fault!” She suddenly falls to her knees, she couldn’t take it anymore.
I embrace her. What else am I supposed to do? Actually, I think I should have hugged her earlier.
“L-let go of me-e… Or I’ll—“ She mumbles. Her words are barely audible because of all her crying.
“Look, that’s the past. I know it hurts, but you gotta let it go.” I say, trying my very best to comfort her. This is the least I can do to repay her kindness.
“I’m actually jealous.” I say.
“Wh-hy?” She mumbles.
“You were courageous enough to tell me how you really felt about me. It took me a lot of years just to propose to Maxine. But, I guess I have to thank you for giving me courage to do so. I know someday, some guy will truly love you, and I’ll be there for you, as your best friend.” I say.
“There’s no other guy out there, but I appreciate the thought.” She says and stops crying.
“Now let go of me, idiot. I’m supposed to be comforting you, not the other way around.” She says and I let go of her.
I’m a fucking idiot, aren’t I? I let myself indulge in my own petty desires. Though it was only for a while, I still feel guilty. It hurts. Girls are supposed to friendzone guys; it’s not supposed to go the other way around. He really loves Max. I’m really jealous. Sometimes, I wish I never had emotions. Sometimes, I just want to be like Angeliz, she’s always so fucking happy. It’s as if her life’s perfect, but it isn’t. I also envy my twin sister, she actually has a lovelife. Honestly, I never expected that. I hate the fact that I get jealous so easily. The people around me may say that I’m fucking smart and all that crap. But in the end, having an advantage in academics doesn’t even matter anymore. My high grades don’t even matter. Either way, I’m still a fool. Ugh, just thinking about how much of a fool I am is shit. I should really stop being so emotional sometimes. I have to help Nathan; yeah that’s what I should think about. I should forget about all this crap and return his kindness.
In : Story